Your mind begins to fill with uncertainty, and you can feel your heart beating out of your chest. Just as you put all you weight back onto your heels, feeling air beneath your feet as you fall, you start to rethink this choice. Then, just as your friend told you over and over, “Trust Me! I promise I will catch you!” And they did. Just as they had said. Everyone remembers this childhood game we all used to play. It’s mainly known as “The Trust Fall.”
This is kind of where I am in life. I’ve survived my first month of college, and I’m still living. That’s something to be proud of right? The thing is, college isn’t really at all what I expected it to be. I’m sure this summer, when I was talking to God about all the plans I had for my future, he was just laughing up a storm. These past couple of weeks, a lot of things have been thrown at me. They aren’t necessarily unfortunate circumstances, but it has gotten to the point when I’ve been extremely overwhelmed.
I’m not saying I don’t enjoy college. College is actually the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much about myself, life, the importance of relationships, and my faith has just skyrocketed ever since I stepped on this campus. As I see it though, God wants so much more.
I lately have been asking, “God, why am I here?” “What do you want me to do with my life?” We are always so caught up with our own life and think everything will go our way. I never took the time to ask God what does he want?
Possibly being the most impatient person you will ever meet, I’m lacking a large amount of it, as well as trust in God. These circumstances remind me a lot of the Israelites as they were camped at the foot of Mount Sinai continuing their long journey to the land God promised them. The people began to complain about their hardships, and then Moses, their leader, began to complain as well. The thing is, God responded to Moses because Moses was crying out to God, and not to others. We must learn to take our problems to the One who can do something about it. Unhappiness occurs when our minds focus on what we don’t have. The Israelites were so blind to see what God was doing right in front of them-setting them free, making them a nation, giving them land- because they were so focused on what God wasn’t doing for them. Max Lucado puts it as, “The Father wanted his children to quit worrying about how and be content with who.”
I am just like the Israelites. God has constantly been showing me signs that I must surrender everything and trust Him. I can just see him saying, “LIZ! Open your eyes! I am here! I love you! Why won’t you trust me?!” To be truthful, I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because I am a sinner. I’ve been so distracted by so many things that don’t even come close the importance of walking with God. Since I’ve been running in circles not keeping my focus on him, I know God had to have me breakdown the other night so I could truly see. I needed a good kick in the pants.
If you’re still reading this blog post, you’re pretty cool because I realize how long this is getting. Let’s backtrack a few weeks ago…As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I am a member on the Concordia Dance Team. After 16 consecutive years of dance training, you would think I would know how to land a simple center leap properly. Wrong. For the past three weeks, I have had excruciating pain all throughout my right leg and up my lower back. I didn’t think I’d be seeing the athletic trainer this earlier on in the season, let alone having to come everyday to do exercises and electrical muscle stimulation along my hip. It came down to the point where I could barely walk, I would have several breakdowns of shooting pain, trouble sleeping, and contemplated the ER a few nights last week. In the midst of this, trying to stay on top of studies and maintaining my quirky personality was very challenging. I have been a complete mess.
The greatest part of it all is to see all the love that comes with this difficult situation. Last Wednesday, as I was in fetal position crying in agony, I realized how badly I needed to be with God. CUNE has a worship service every Wednesday, so I limped off to the chapel that night for some good Jesus time. To think that I almost skipped it because I was in such pain..I’m SO thankful God called me to attend. The message, the atmosphere, the music, and sitting by my wonderful friends was EXACTLY what I needed. Prior to this all, I was praying that I could attend a worship service and not be afraid to show any emotion and completely surrender. My prayers were answered that night. Feeling God’s presence in the the thick of my brokenness, I felt healed, because I am. That’s not all of it. After the service, a girl who I have never met before tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hi! So I was just watching you worship tonight, and I just felt called to come over and pray for you.” Out of major shock, I took her hands and she prayed for me, quoting James 1:2-3 that “there is joy in suffering.” I’ve never experience anything like that, but I certainly loved it.
Some other things God has shown me “light at the end of the tunnel” is leading me to this passage I read in one of the books I have. It reads: “Pain can take over every thought and every emotion; it can put us into a pit of despair. But if we are willing to take the difficult step of seeking God within this pain, we can say to him, ‘Lord, I don’t have anything left to give, but I am yours. You have me completely at your mercy,’ and in the midst of our situation, we can cultivate an intimacy with the Lord we never dreamed possible- a greater closeness with God because of physical pain.” How neat is that, right?
As for treatment on my leg, I have been given answers as to what the problem is, but things are still up in the air. I do know for a fact this will be a very lengthy process. It is yet just another reason as to why I must trust God. His timing is perfect.
To sum this incredibly lengthy blog post for you is this: We have a great God. A God who loves us beyond the world, and took our place to be killed. A God who’s sufficient for us, made perfect in weakness. He gives us all we need. Keep clear vision of the cross instead of focusing on the how, because we must trust him. When we fall, he will catch. That’s a promise.
Many blessings to whomever read all the way to the end!