Today, I weep at the feet of My Creator in utter fascination.
I’m ashamed how I spent the last month of school complaining about the summer, when I could have used all that energy to cherish the limited time I had left of my freshman year. All my focus was trying not to be bitter towards the opportunities my peers were going to have as they traveled, worked as camp counselors and/or went on mission trips. The behavior was selfish, immature, and embarrassing. Let’s just take a moment to thank the Lord for His Grace.
Back in March, mid-anxiety attack, a friend of mine listened to me go on and on about my discouragement. That things weren’t the way I wanted them to be. He could have made a remark on how incredibly selfish I was being. Instead he replied,
“But Liz, what better way to deepen your relationship with God than an adventure with Him at home?”
After reflecting on the past three months, I realized I’ve been partaking in the greatest adventure of all time. No, I didn’t get to hold adorable children in a foreign country and watch their eyes light up about Jesus, I didn’t get a crazy nickname, be outrageously bubbly and lead campers in the mountains, and I didn’t get an internship that will look good on a resume.
I got something better.
I found myself at the feet of Jesus, gazing up at His glorious treasures.
It is so crucial to sit at the feet of Jesus, identifying ourselves with Him, growing with Him and learning from Him before we can do any effective serving. I was such a Martha. I had this relentless desire to serve, but here I was constantly neglecting the Lord’s invitation for the greatest adventure of all time. An intimacy with Him.
The Lord meets you where you’re at, and for me, it was on I-80 with a Michael W. Smith song. There’s never a way I can arrange words together to describe the Lord’s work, but this moment in my life is something I need to share, as it serves as a major turning point. While being heavily burdened by circumstances, something inside of me just called it quits. I was done. Since I could remember, I’ve been fed this lie that fear will always have a hold on me. It ruined every positive thing I saw in myself, my life, and what was to come. I was never able to hold a relationship because of fear. I was never able to get up without wanting to crawl back in bed, because I couldn’t handle the weight. I really was never able to love myself. I was done being controlled by this lie.
So Jesus sat in the passenger seat of my little Rav 4 and took His big ole’ chain cutter to my heart as He spoke softly, “You’ve always been worried about many things, Liz. Only few are needed- or indeed only one.”
In between sobs, each chain of fear broke off, and soon enough, I was free from every atom of anxiety circling my brain. This wasn’t a moment of clarity, this was a moment of redemption. The Spirit assured me “Fearful” no longer has to be my name.
To all the people who attempted to tell me I did not have to let this be “a part of me,” I’m sorry I didn’t listen, and I’m sorry I probably snapped back at you. From what I’ve learned, we can only be changed by the grace of God. But your selfless heart to even plant that seed, regardless of what I shot back at you, shows true loyalty in our friendship. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This summer was like a rebirth. It’s almost as if I had met Jesus all over again. The more we get to know Him, the more our hearts allow Him to transform them. When God’s grace approaches, it has this ability to mold hearts into something completely new. It gives us the utmost desire to obey, walk in wisdom, and follow the Spirit’s lead. But only if we chose humility, submission and reverence at the Lord’s feet. I didn’t have to climb the tallest mountain to come to this revelation and find His glory. This powerful, profound, and intimate moment was a result of coming to Jesus with open arms, letting myself be vulnerable with Him. Matthew Elliott says this perfectly,“Power becomes real only after we recognize how utterly powerless our own efforts and duty-driven actions really are.”
Adventuring with Jesus has radically changed my life. I have experienced so much hindsight from the past, redeemed of anxiety disorder, astonished by His ultimate sovereignty in every situation, called to abolish sex slavery, and led to become the daughter my King desires me to be. I am in the midst of writing a memoir documenting the profound nature of our beautiful God through these revelations I’ve had this summer. If God wills, and enough are interested, I’ll consider publishing this testimony.
If your past is a lot like mine, or you just can’t shake off the lies, because you’re so rooted in them, remember this:
You have to choose which way you will go. You can follow the lead of the toxicity in your mind, or you can sit at the feet of King Jesus and ask for His help.
Let yourself grieve.
Let yourself be confused.
Let yourself be vulnerable.
Let yourself be held.
Then, let yourself surrender and submit at His feet.
Grace will take you from there.
Thank you for your support when I didn’t think I’d make it through. Thank you for not giving up on me. God’s blessings to each and every one of you. Have a wonderful school year!