come undone

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 presetI remember laying in this very bed of mine last summer, curled up underneath the covers, pale-faced and ratty hair. While scribbling down all my thoughts, I was unashamed of how I looked, what I felt, and just embraced being God’s daughter. As I reflect on the insane transformation I’ve experienced this past year, I noticed how utterly captivated I was by Jesus’ character and the intimacy He pursues within all of us.

My rebirth was a result from this indescribable alluring by My King.

But I’ve been asleep for so long, that my eyes have been covered by the expectations of the world; the thoughts of what others think of me; and if it’s true that I’m too much, but still have to spend the rest of my life proving I am something. I was so blind to see Jesus’ hand reaching out and saying, “Talitha koum!” (Little girl, get up).

Why am I making what everyone else thinks of me bigger than what Jesus says about me? I wrestled so hard with this for the past few months, and I couldn’t seem to shake it off.

So I idolized it instead of surrendering. I thought maybe I could fix this feeling if I found validation in others. If I filled every hour of my day with studying, work and class, I could forget about what was going underneath the surface of my weary heart. I thought if I pleased them more, maybe they’d compliment me back and it’d fuel me enough to feel worth something. I went to coffee for a revived mind, instead of His arms of rest. I took advantage of a rekindled friendship and led it down a slippery slope, instead of running to Jesus to feel alive again. And it all left me as a tear-stained mess with a 500 pound weight on my back, curled up on the sidelines of my own race.

It felt like the fire inside of me, a privilege God graciously planted in me last summer, was gone. There used to be this spunk to my laugh, light in my eyes, and joy in my heart. However, I’ve been letting shame cage me to become small, because I thought the world didn’t need any more of my emotions and vulnerability. I  went throughout my day thinking it can’t all be reconciled.

Oh, praise the Lord that is far from the Truth!

Because God’s made it perfectly clear to me lately, that all of this was never about me.

My actions, my feelings, and my life does not keep the earth spinning. THANK THE LORD. Our Creator reigns over His masterpiece by molding us for the mere purpose of allowing us to magnify His greatness. What a privilege that is to not have the pressure of perfection, just simply the willingness to adventure with Our Creator, as His divine glory shines across His work of art.

God intended for us to be naked and unashamed. I imagine Adam and Eve were pure and wild before The Fall. They were both in perfect communion with Our Father. I bet they couldn’t stop smiling up at God because they were so secure in who they were and confident in their purpose. I ache so deeply for that.

But it was the very questioning of Eve’s identity that ultimately led to the world’s downfall. We’ve let everyone else’s perception of us, the enemy’s lies, and earthly expectations shake up our reality.

So let us become undone.

Let us expose our junk, so we can bring it to light. In Jesus, there is no darkness, and He doesn’t dwell in it. He’s not freaked out by any of your pain, feelings or fears, because He willingly endured that for you and me already. And He won.

Because of this, we can be free from everything world-pleasing and rest in his holiness. Because that is what matters.

Let us give up control and have God take us back to Eden.

And there, we can be exactly who God made us to be. His.